Saturday, September 8, 2007

Funnies from Thoracic Outlet site

I read this at the funny page of a helpful Thoracic Outlet Syndrome site ( -- thank you, authors!). It's perfect for it, but many also for the neuropathies that can come along CM/SM!

You might be a TOSer if...

...You have the pain capacity of 5 people.
...if you pull your bra off in public and dare anyone to question this behavior.
...You look in shock at the doctor when they say "Hey, how are you, you look great"
...You forget what day of the week it is.
...You believe that "Ask the Doctor" is an evil plot.
...You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if the phrase "wow, I don't feel too bad today" is uttered.
...You mutter, "please don't shake hands" when being introduced to a stranger.
...You believe painkillers are a food group.
...Your favorite sedative is exhaustion.
...You think that caffeine should be available in IV form.
...Your most common assessment question is, "What changed today to make it so painful?"
...You have been exposed to so many X-rays that you consider radiation a form of birth control.
...You have ever had a lawyer look you straight in the eye and say, " you look normal to me".
...You are the only one at the dinner table NOT allowed to talk about your day.
...You believe that rain can ruin a perfectly good day.
...Any time you see a skeleton you look at the 1st rib.
...When in a bookstore, you see if anyone wrote a book on this, yet.
...You tense up just before driving over railroad tracks.
...You write down when you take meds because you can't remember when you took them last.
...A "pat on the back" takes on a whole new meaning.
...Your list of doctors looks like a "Who's Who In The Medical Field."
...You could be licensed as a pharmacist by default.
...Pain "management" becomes your specialty.
...It's no longer necessary to carry a wallet when you go out.
...You know what it's like to be chauffeured everywhere.
...You still have a sense of humor when most people would have been committed.
...People around you start calling you "One tough cookie".
...You used to like eating spare ribs.
...You are considering changing your name to Eileen (I lean).
...You know how rich people feel when they have someone else put up and take down their decorations, and all you have to do is watch.
...You can go back to being a child, and have someone else cut your meat.
...You start buying groceries based on the package sizing and weight. (i.e. no more gallon milk jugs!)
...Sexy is wearing your heating pad to bed.
...There's no more hot water for anyone else.
...You can't wait to get a phone call from anyone, even a bill collector.
...Your next to best friend is on the forum.
...Your husband takes more vacation days off taking you to the Dr. than going fishing!
...You use your body to push open the door at a restaurant and wait for someone to pull it open.
...the wind blows your long hair all over your face and you act like it doesn't bother you.
...Nobody asks how you're doing for fear you might answer.
...You only have plastic cups in the cupboards.
...You idolize the dishwasher.
...Surfing the net for new jokes at 3am is not unusual.
...The mention of worker's comp makes you run for Tums.
...In the absence of children, you fantasize about training your pets on housekeeping.
...The pizza delivery boy/girl knows your first name and doesn't need directions to your house.
...You now eat with your knife tucked in your braces.
...You can't tell if the water is cold or hot by feeling it.
...If you got stabbed you probably wouldn't notice.
...You can't type anymore.
...You know who your real friends are.
...Your Dr. smiles at you as he walks in the room to see you and you see a Lincoln Town Car catalog sticking out of your chart.
...You have your own changing room at the MRI place.
...You can fall asleep during an EMG.
...You have to search for a parking place away from cars so you can pull straight through to avoid backing up when you leave.
...Everyone asks why you're getting "dressed up" when you ask for someone to help you brush your hair.
...Your family doesn't recognize you with new, short hair.
...When you go shopping, you focus in on the self-propelled vacuum cleaners.
...You would love to move the laundry room right off of the bedroom so you didn't have to carry laundry up the stairs.
...At age 25 you've seriously considered purchasing the easy lift chair they sell on HSN.
...You consider pharmacology a hobby.
...You move and your old pharmacy has to lay off 2 people.
...Your family greets you each morning with "the usual" which translates into the TOS cocktail: 2 parts Tylenol with Codeine, 1 part Flexeril, 1 part Naprosyn, topped off with a garnish of Prozac for a splash of color.
...Sleeping in is getting up at 6:30 am.
...You have been described as having glowing personality mainly due to possible radiation poisoning.
...You go to the pharmacy and they know you by your first name.
...You look up and get dizzy.
...You go Christmas shopping and you buy gift certificates so you don't have to carry heavy packages.
...You can't tell good days from bad days anymore.
...When you have a good day it takes you four or five days to recoup.
...Your pharmacy lets you buy in bulk.
...You play eenie - meenie - miney - moe what's the drug of the day with your meds.
...You are able to recite and sing every info-commercial that comes on TV and they are your favorite 3AM shows.
...You can't remember the last time you were able to put your arms over your head for a "good" good morning stretch.
...When you threaten to beat the kids, they roll their eyes, laugh, and say - "Not in your Lifetime."
...Your pajamas are now your everyday clothes.
...You are trying to find someone to go in on financing and patenting plans for a riding vacuum cleaner.
...People come to you for medical advise instead of their family doctor.
...People come to you for legal advise instead of their lawyer.
...Your good china is the heavy paper plates with flowers.
...Instant potatoes have become an exotic delicacy.
...The cats can make the bed better than you do.
...You have more ideas of what to do with empty medicine bottles than Martha Stewart - and the word on the street is she "Has people looking for you".
...The easiest way to open the jar of pickles is to throw them on the floor.
...You are best friends with the neighbor's Pit-Bull - you let him in to eat off your kitchen floor so you don't have to sweep it anymore.
...The drug store calls you when they run out of something.
...You only shop in stores with automatic or revolving doors.
...Your friend that also has TOS tells you the best way to dust is to spray the cats down with Pledge and toss them across the furniture.
...Then to clean the cats, put soap in the toilet, throw them in, and flush a couple of times - cleans the toilet too.
...The last time you filled your car with gas it was 87 cents a gallon.
...The senior citizens in the retirement complex across the street from you see more action than you do and they can actually enjoy it.
...You no longer fear going to Hell, because you already are living it, and Hell can't be worse than this.
...You don't have to worry about writers cramp anymore, because you use voice activated commands for your computer.
...You ask the hospital if they have something like a frequent flyer bonus program for all the money you have spent so generously.
...The new multi-million dollar addition at the hospital is being dedicated and named after you for all of your hard work and dedication and willingness to be the local experiment in new innovative TOS treatments.
...They ask you "To cut the Ribbon" at the opening ceremonies and you have to decline - the hospital administrator was not told that a TOS Winner can't manipulate scissors.
...You are in the bank during a hostile take-over, and the robbers tell everyone, "stick em up" - You say, "um, excuse me, is this going to take very long? I have medical documentation that says I can't do that."
...You ask your pharmacy if they have a drug of the month club.
...A "fanny pack" is now your good purse.
...The "perfect gift" is a microwave-able heating pad, it's portable and there are no wires or little heating elements in those to jab you.
...The next specialist you will need to see is a foot doctor to un-web your toes because you spend so much time in the bathtub soaking.
...The makers of Deep Heat send you their fiscal reports, and thank you for your continued support.
...In your continued search on information about TOS, you come across a new article, and the visual aid is a picture of you.
...Your doctor has adopted you for medical tax write offs, and lovingly refers to you as "the jackpot problem child".
...If your pharmacy sends you a Christmas card!
...If your kids yell "no more hot dogs for supper!"
...If your yard sale contains 8 used heating pads and 6 used hot packs!
...If you are known to supply your primary care physician with medical journal articles about TOS!
...You can clap your hands and never make a noise, (only works in a crowd).
...You're the world's worst hitchhiker.
...You can't stand those pain reliever commercials on TV.
...You know your medical insurance ID# by heart!
...You know your insurance companies phone # by heart!
...You've had to stop walking the dog cause he pulls too hard, and he's only a Chihuahua.
...You choose your clothes based not on whether they're flattering, but on how many pockets they have and how strategically they're placed.
...You find the TV show "Cops" much too scary to watch, cause you break into a cold sweat when you watch anyone have handcuffs put on them.
...Your 8-yr. old folds the clothes better than you do.
...You can type 35wpm with one hand.
...When the wave goes around a stadium it stops with you.
...It hurts to watch a golf match.
...You're glad you're going bald.
...You carry four cans of fix a flat in your car.
...You never wear a seat belt because of the pain of the shoulder strap, you can't put it under your arm and what's the difference anyway.
...When getting a chest x-ray they say, "take a deep breath and hold it", you fake it.
...Your shoe's are all slip-on's.
...The cat loves you because you make such a good spot for naps.
...When the local paper has smiling pictures of certain medical people, you make sure they're facing up in the bottom of the birdcage.
...You try to get your toddler interested in a career in neurology, vascular surgery or pain management.
...You feel like a perfectly normal person until you try to do anything that perfectly normal people can do.
...Your typing looks like thissssssss.
...Your nurse tells you that they are naming an examining room after you.

1 comment:

  1. Wow. A lot of those would fit neatly into a list for liver sufferers, especially flinching going over train tracks. I haven't driven since February, and Sharon gets tired of my constant ow ow ow, on these bumpy Denver streets. How are you today?