Why I push

I have been thinking lately, wondering why my mindset and such has changed so much the last few months.

I remember a couple of conversations a particular loved one and I have now and again. There are times when this person becomes unkind toward me, going back and forth between ignoring me, sometimes behaving downright rude, angry, and spiteful. Eventually this person had a realization and was good enough to share it with me. It was admitted to me that because they know I'm not going to be here long, it is easier to push me away now in preparation for when I leave.

In some way, it's rather like a self-preservation technique of sorts. Does that make sense? Preservation--and protection. Protection from the inevitable pain and hurt.

Yesterday it hit me. The reason I have spent the last few months pushing people out of my life is the same reason as I said above.

I stopped going to church in November.

The end from this approaches slowly, painfully, ripping away the will to hold on. At what cost do we keep ourselves going?

And so came the realization that I withdraw in order to protect them, and to protect myself. If nobody sees me, they don't have to feel helpless. If I don't see them, I don't waste precious energy pretending I'm ok, hiding the pain.

Hiding is a surprisingly exhausting process, taking much energy and work. It is lonely existence.

The full realization of what I have done makes me wonder if that's why I have this gigantic hole, this pain in my chest that never leaves.

I wonder if it is worth it.