Miss Shelby, Tunisian crochet

I want to share the good news that lil Miss Shelby and I have been officially accepted into the HandiDogs program! We begin in the September training class as the summer one about to begin has been filled for some time. I am tremendously excited!

I feel I now know why Shelby came to be part of our family so unexpectedly. We went to the Humane Society that morning in the hopes of adopting Gizmo, after several failed attempts to adopt a small dog. We know those little guys simply weren't meant to be and Gizmo was. Shelby however was completely unexpected. While we were being processed for Giz, we saw Shelby, a shy little girl in the kennel across the way. There was just something in her eyes, and we knew we couldn't leave her.

So, the next day they had their surgeries and microchipping and came to their forever home. Gizmo finally stopped shaking as he did in fear constantly during our couple hours at the shelter, and both pups came to realize they were here to stay. Gizmo came out of his shell and has shown himself to be a clever and playful little goof who always "talks" when he yawns. Shelby came to love DH and I, and even the children, intelligent and very quick to learn. Both crate-trained without incident and faster than we ever imagined. Shelby learned on Day 1 that it was her bed and how to let us know she needed to go out. Giz took about 4 days for the crate, and immediately knew about the restroom as well. Shelby is an amazingly smart girl, proving her wit by learning every trick we have taught her on the first day.

I can hardly wait for the training process. Shelby and I will take 6 10-week sessions to train and certify her as a HandiDog, which will allow her to go any public place as my assistance dog. Yesterday was a particularly rough day with my pain levels, and she quite clearly knew. She tried to get up in my lap on the recliner several times, which she knows is a no-no, so she ended up staying on the floor next to the chair and just put her head against my leg and looked at me contently. I never thought I could like a big dog, having had terriers since I was 8, but she is a special, beautiful girl.

Tonight--well, morning since it's 3:37 a.m.--I begin making a sun dress for Meg. I will post updates along the way.

I recently had a femoral series of x-rays and next week have an MRI (lumbar). There is something going on in one of these areas but I can't determine the cause so they're trying to figure it out. I am going to ask my PCP for a manual chair, as the pain in my bones and joints is sometimes so great I can't handle holding my arm up and the scooter level to accelerate. With a manual DH would have to push me since I can't with the 3 pound limit, but at least I could get out more than I do now.

I just finished an online week-long Tunisian crochet class. Here is my classwork, a Tunisian-stitched bag which was then felted.

Pre-felting


Post-felting drying


Finished product

Still here

First off: Linda/The Road I Travel--could you please email me? I would very much like to know how you are and I can't any longer (read your updates). Thanks!

Thanks everyone for the thoughts, prayers, and thought-provoking points left as comments to my last post.

Obviously I am still here. I admit, I am struggling. If it was any ONE problem I was dealing with, it would one thing. Dealing with...dozens...is another entirely. My life being taken over by so many seizures a day is ridiculous, with the unbelievable pain it is causing.

My pain scale norm, pre-seizure disorder, was around 7 on good days and 9 on bad. Now, I'm 9 on good days. I'll leave it at that.

It took me 2 hours to stand yesterday to get myself to the restroom. When I finally made it there and sat, I screamed out in pain.

If you know me, you know very well I pride myself on keeping pain to myself. And I actually shouted...me, who had an emergency c-section with no drugs and never made a sound. Not a cry, a shout, a whimper, nothing.

Fortunately I got my scooter back in the afternoon so I can ride down the hall next time.

The pain is just overwhelming still, and it doesn't help knowing that this rare combo has no future, so what is the point in holding on?

I don't know. I don't have any answers. I just wanted to let the kind folks who wrote know that I'm still here and hanging on. It's by a thread at the moment but I'm doing the best I can.

When we fall behind

I planned to spend the weekend in Phoenix as a friend was being thrown a surprise baby shower. I made the trip up on Friday, and I couldn't tell you the last time I drove that distance so it was tiring to say the least. I knew it would be, but I really didn't want to miss this.

I got there, drugged up, and watched a couple of movies with S and her husband (in college, the two of us were roommates in the dorms and the guys were roommates as well).

Yesterday (Saturday) her mom came up and the three us went out. By 11:30 we had been to Babies-R-Us, Target, Dollar Tree, and Costco.

*YELPS*

Thankfully I took my disabled parking tag out of my car and gave it to S's mom to use while we were out. I can't imagine otherwise, especially at Costco (warehouse club).

It became abundantly clear neither of them had any understanding of the extent of my limitations. It was frustrating but what was most difficult to handle was inside, the emotions. S and I used to go dancing nearly every weekend. We would get up at 2-3 a.m. and start snowfights. We played mud tug-o-war. We did several-mile walk-run races, and won, landing us as the town's top 5 o'clock news story.

After all the shopping, and not long before the secret shower, S's mom took us to lunch. Before we left the restaurant, I started getting sick. Literally. I had to force myself out of the restroom for us to leave. The problem?

I couldn't go to the shower, and I couldn't explain anything. I also knew they would be late because of me, though S didn't know about it. Her mom did, which is why she came to town as well.

In tears, I had them drive us back to S's house. I said I didn't want them to miss out on the rest of their "shopping" because of me, but I have this admittedly-weird thing about being sick in other people's homes. It's bad enough and one thing to get sick in your own bathroom but another thing entirely to do it at a friend's. Worse yet, I didn't know S's friend hosting the shower. Sick at a stranger's home? No can do.

I think S's husband was pretty upset and frustrated with me. I could tell by his eyes, though he is too nice a person to ever say anything like that.

And so, I left Phoenix a day early, and missed the baby shower. I feel terrible about it but I know there was no other option. I hope S understands. I wrote her an email a couple hours ago (around 3 a.m., sheesh).

It had been a year and a half since we'd seen each other. I've had I think 5 surgeries since then, most of them pretty serious, involving brain, spine, artery, a ruptured appendix, etc.

Should I have said something during all the running around? I don't know. I don't regret that I didn't. I didn't want to mess up what was supposed to be a special day for her. I wanted to keep my situation as low-key as possible.

S's life has moved on while mine is at a standstill. I just wish she knew, and I don't know how to tell.

Lately I've been feeling strong
And you've been falling behind
Oh tell me what went wrong
'Cus I can't read your mind

-Divinyls, "I'm On Your Side"

Post-Op Update, awareness items vs the economy

Later this week I'll be 2 months post-op from the artery surgery.

In terms of surgical healing, it's going pretty well. The incision is closed and looking good. The left side of my neck, jaw, shoulder, that entire region just aches all the time. It's not anything that is concerning and I'm sure will continue to improve, given adequate time with the Ehlers-Danlos.

My pain issues, artery region aside, have not changed. I am taking more measures immediately after I get off work at 10 a.m. to try to prevent the pain from becoming completely over the edge by evening since it always worsens as the day goes by.

I am due to have an MRI next month to check on the growth that's pushing in my cerebellum and shoving it back down my spine. It can't be done any earlier since I'm not far enough out of surgery to get a real accurate look.

For the last two months or so, I have really noticed the impact the economy is having on my Chiari/SM awareness items sales. My CURE CHIARI awareness embossed wristbands sales are definitely low. The website sales (Chiari, Chiari 0 (zero) Herniation, and Syringomyelia awareness items) are low as well BUT things are still moving, just at a snail's pace. I know things will pick up at some point but I feel badly for not being able to donate as much to the American Syringomyelia Alliance Project and Wishes & Rainbows. It will get better though!

DS's Babette blanket is coming along well. Today I began work on Panel 9 so if I round up any amount of self-discipline, the rest of the squares should be completed in about two weeks. The contest is going well too; as of now I'm in the top 10 (out of 307) for vote ranking, though not quite as high in the page view rating. I just keep thinking of all the preemie and newborn caps I could make for little NICU babies with a prize gift card from the yarn manufacturer! Thank you to everyone who has voted so far! The contest goes until February 25 or so.

I'm attaching some pictures I've taken the last few days, just thought I'd share.

Checking in

Thank you everyone for your support lately. If you've known me for awhile you probably know I don't usually just let things out like that and it apparently startled a few people. I really appreciate the kind comments, stories shared, and understanding shown. It's touching and reminds me I'm not alone.

There isn't one certain thing that is getting me down. I just find I'm so overwhelmed I can't think straight. While my arterial surgery 5 weeks ago definitely improved my arm function (what a shock after only having 31% use), I am struggling greatly with the ever-increasing pain throughout my spinal cord. While not 24/7, my head is terrible and my hearing is really off this week again. Yada yada yada I'll shut up.

I'm taking way more meds than I should, but am so desperate for any degree of relief I don't care about potential consequences. I'm going on the theory that if anything happens, God will understand my heart's desire and true intention. Am I getting that out right? I don't know.

I suspect work is going to call me bright and early to give notification on whether or not my position will continue, so I ought to get to bed. Not sure why, don't sleep worth a darn even with all the meds, but curling up under the covers sounds mighty nice.