The "big one"

After scaring the daylights out of my husband last night by going into full-on forceful convulsions and beating my keyboard with my fists during so, I talked to a good friend who is diagnosed epileptic. She advised to take notice of any patterns that may indicate precursors to the seizures.

It was then I realized a couple hour before the "big one" (what am I, an earthquake??) I'd told DH I was getting hit with dizziness and nausea again. I also experienced another sudden onset of what I've been calling "the sweats." I will suddenly break out in sweat all over, though I am freezing cold. Yet it feels like my insides are roasting and just dying to break out. Even when I was a competitive dancer, I didn't sweat. But with this I suddenly just soak through my clothes and not a thing helps relieve the insane discomfort.

I've been having the nausea, the sweats, and the vertigo since shortly before Easter. I am beginning to believe these are my precursors for an oncoming seizure.

Today I braved up and texted my DH, asking him how often my regular seizures are, where I am found staring into nothing and being completely unresponsive for a couple minutes. His answer? 3-4 times an hour.

Wait. Did he just say per HOUR? You've got to be freaking kidding.

And I asked how long the "big one" lasted, which turned out to be a minute of him trying to get me to respond while I was thankfully in my recliner while I beat into it forward and backward but with no response still.

To me, I'd just been typing someone's response for the ASAP board, so why is my husband suddenly yelling at me and holding my arm?

I can't handle all of this right now. My only local doc is my pain man, he can't manage this, I need a NL. That's another story where I live, where if you're a young woman all the neuros seem to think you just need to be good to yourself and all your problems will magically disappear!

I can be good to myself till the cows come home and it won't change the fact I'm having seizures...more than I can even count.

I need a break. I don't think I can handle anything right now. Nothing. I still can't get sleep. My friend's heads up was right, post-seizure I do feel tired, and I also feel queasy. So why is it I still can't sleep worth squat?

My greatest apologies are to DH. He is scared to death, afraid to go to bed at night and leave me in the living room, afraid I'm going to stop breathing.

I've had several calls today and my emotions are on such overload I just can't take it. I wish I could crawl into bed and sleep for days. WHY can't I: