Thursday, November 19, 2009

Procedures and loneliness

I love that despite having dozens of local people I know on FB, and that I have shared about Friday and Wednesday's exploratory surgeries multiple times (quietly though, trying to keep my PTSD to myself; nobody can understand having survived CPR--twice--, all the time on a ventilator, finding yourself on one, dealing with being strapped down to a bed, weeks on end in a hospital, fighting your way back to life learning to do everything over again like a baby--and no one knows because they're two hours away, or cares I guess because nobody ever called either so was pretty much left for dead anyway; so have panic attacks every time I'm in a pre-op area, having done it 16 times, thinking am going to wake up in the middle of that experience again), but not once has anyone even acknowledged what I wrote. No good luck. No offer of help with the kids going to school, or bringing them home (I actually asked for help though, can you believe it, had to, since we have to be at the hospital way before the kids ever even have to be at school), no prayers they'll find the answers so my body can stop going through all this additional pain and weight loss. Dr said it's at a critical point now, I can't risk losing any more, not with everything my system already deals with every day.

I'm considering just shutting down the whole FB thing. I was asked to go there so people could keep up with what's going on w/me. And as I suspected, I don't think many can handle the reality of living near someone with a disease that is a slow killer. I've been told it's good for them to be confronted with that reality, like it or not, to get used to the fact that someone nearby is living with this type of pain 24/7 right next to them, that maybe some of them can learn from it. That is the only thing that has kept me posting. But all the times I get ignored, it makes me all the more lonely.

No comments:

Post a Comment