When we fall behind

I planned to spend the weekend in Phoenix as a friend was being thrown a surprise baby shower. I made the trip up on Friday, and I couldn't tell you the last time I drove that distance so it was tiring to say the least. I knew it would be, but I really didn't want to miss this.

I got there, drugged up, and watched a couple of movies with S and her husband (in college, the two of us were roommates in the dorms and the guys were roommates as well).

Yesterday (Saturday) her mom came up and the three us went out. By 11:30 we had been to Babies-R-Us, Target, Dollar Tree, and Costco.

*YELPS*

Thankfully I took my disabled parking tag out of my car and gave it to S's mom to use while we were out. I can't imagine otherwise, especially at Costco (warehouse club).

It became abundantly clear neither of them had any understanding of the extent of my limitations. It was frustrating but what was most difficult to handle was inside, the emotions. S and I used to go dancing nearly every weekend. We would get up at 2-3 a.m. and start snowfights. We played mud tug-o-war. We did several-mile walk-run races, and won, landing us as the town's top 5 o'clock news story.

After all the shopping, and not long before the secret shower, S's mom took us to lunch. Before we left the restaurant, I started getting sick. Literally. I had to force myself out of the restroom for us to leave. The problem?

I couldn't go to the shower, and I couldn't explain anything. I also knew they would be late because of me, though S didn't know about it. Her mom did, which is why she came to town as well.

In tears, I had them drive us back to S's house. I said I didn't want them to miss out on the rest of their "shopping" because of me, but I have this admittedly-weird thing about being sick in other people's homes. It's bad enough and one thing to get sick in your own bathroom but another thing entirely to do it at a friend's. Worse yet, I didn't know S's friend hosting the shower. Sick at a stranger's home? No can do.

I think S's husband was pretty upset and frustrated with me. I could tell by his eyes, though he is too nice a person to ever say anything like that.

And so, I left Phoenix a day early, and missed the baby shower. I feel terrible about it but I know there was no other option. I hope S understands. I wrote her an email a couple hours ago (around 3 a.m., sheesh).

It had been a year and a half since we'd seen each other. I've had I think 5 surgeries since then, most of them pretty serious, involving brain, spine, artery, a ruptured appendix, etc.

Should I have said something during all the running around? I don't know. I don't regret that I didn't. I didn't want to mess up what was supposed to be a special day for her. I wanted to keep my situation as low-key as possible.

S's life has moved on while mine is at a standstill. I just wish she knew, and I don't know how to tell.

Lately I've been feeling strong
And you've been falling behind
Oh tell me what went wrong
'Cus I can't read your mind

-Divinyls, "I'm On Your Side"