Sunday, February 10, 2008

When we fall behind

I planned to spend the weekend in Phoenix as a friend was being thrown a surprise baby shower. I made the trip up on Friday, and I couldn't tell you the last time I drove that distance so it was tiring to say the least. I knew it would be, but I really didn't want to miss this.

I got there, drugged up, and watched a couple of movies with S and her husband (in college, the two of us were roommates in the dorms and the guys were roommates as well).

Yesterday (Saturday) her mom came up and the three us went out. By 11:30 we had been to Babies-R-Us, Target, Dollar Tree, and Costco.


Thankfully I took my disabled parking tag out of my car and gave it to S's mom to use while we were out. I can't imagine otherwise, especially at Costco (warehouse club).

It became abundantly clear neither of them had any understanding of the extent of my limitations. It was frustrating but what was most difficult to handle was inside, the emotions. S and I used to go dancing nearly every weekend. We would get up at 2-3 a.m. and start snowfights. We played mud tug-o-war. We did several-mile walk-run races, and won, landing us as the town's top 5 o'clock news story.

After all the shopping, and not long before the secret shower, S's mom took us to lunch. Before we left the restaurant, I started getting sick. Literally. I had to force myself out of the restroom for us to leave. The problem?

I couldn't go to the shower, and I couldn't explain anything. I also knew they would be late because of me, though S didn't know about it. Her mom did, which is why she came to town as well.

In tears, I had them drive us back to S's house. I said I didn't want them to miss out on the rest of their "shopping" because of me, but I have this admittedly-weird thing about being sick in other people's homes. It's bad enough and one thing to get sick in your own bathroom but another thing entirely to do it at a friend's. Worse yet, I didn't know S's friend hosting the shower. Sick at a stranger's home? No can do.

I think S's husband was pretty upset and frustrated with me. I could tell by his eyes, though he is too nice a person to ever say anything like that.

And so, I left Phoenix a day early, and missed the baby shower. I feel terrible about it but I know there was no other option. I hope S understands. I wrote her an email a couple hours ago (around 3 a.m., sheesh).

It had been a year and a half since we'd seen each other. I've had I think 5 surgeries since then, most of them pretty serious, involving brain, spine, artery, a ruptured appendix, etc.

Should I have said something during all the running around? I don't know. I don't regret that I didn't. I didn't want to mess up what was supposed to be a special day for her. I wanted to keep my situation as low-key as possible.

S's life has moved on while mine is at a standstill. I just wish she knew, and I don't know how to tell.

Lately I've been feeling strong
And you've been falling behind
Oh tell me what went wrong
'Cus I can't read your mind

-Divinyls, "I'm On Your Side"


  1. K,

    I don't know what to say. I wish you were able to enjoy the day without getting sick. I wish you were able to share with her the surgeries and how your health affects your daily activities. I think your friend would've understood.

    I pray that you are better now and resting. You are in my prayers.

  2. I don't know what to say to comfort you. Please do share with your friend what you are going through. They will understand completely. I am sure they would have made other accommodations had they known. Good that you wrote the email.

    I pray that you are resting now and feeling better. You're in my prayers.

  3. Oh Keesha... It sounds like a near impossible situation, but I think your friend will do her best to understand. Remember the spoons doll, you have to save some and not spend them doing stuff you don't need to do. I'm so sorry you weren't able to attend the shower, but you were there for the other stuff. I'm praying for you now and always.

  4. ((((((((((Keesha)))))))))) Your friend should understand, I'm so sorry that the trip wasn't what you had hoped it would be. Remember to count your spoons :)

  5. I'm really really sorry this all happened. It is hard for people to realize and come to terms with us. They need patience. No one in my life can really relate how hard every day is. It's such a teeter totter. You know, though. I know that you know. You are the only one.(and Sharon,Leslie, and Linda and Lace)

  6. I know exactly how you feel . What I do is , before I even go , I think well how long is it , how much walking is invovled , whats the weather like , who am I going with , etc etc. If there is going to be too much walking or if one of the persons I am going with is a lets say go getter I decline and say mabye next time. Then again if its going to be a short trip , not much walking etc then I say sure but I will have to leave at such a time. they say great . I say well the old body aint what it use to be. Usually everybody I go with knows my circumstances , so I have to be lucky that they still include me . Now thats a true friend. Take care . Roz

  7. I know what you mean Roz. The problem was that I wasn't aware we were going to more than 1 place. I was told we were going to 1 store real quick for S's mother to pick something up. I was also in a city a few hours away. :(

  8. Keesha!

    Iam back on! My internet explorer is crupt, so I can't get on that way, Using firefox, which is limiting me.

    You did as much as you could and you did get to spend some time with her, for that I am sure she is greatfull.


  9. Ugh. That must have been SO uncomfortable--physically and emotionally. I think so much of it goes back to the fact that we "look" ok; it's easy for others to forget that we're not.

    I have a similar situation coming up this weekend--some friends bought me a ticket to go with them to see Rick Springfield in concert (please, tell me you know who that is--that I'm not THAT old.) Anyway, I'm nervous that I'm going to be the one bringing everyone down, etc. just because I can't keep up physically. (Not that I'm going to be attacking Rick on stage or anything but you know what I mean.) It's a struggle for me to stay up past 9 pm sometimes!

    I hope that you've heard back from your friend and that getting everything out in the open has helped.